5 Struggles I Have With Boundaries
Boundaries have not been an easy topic for me, ever. I get overwhelmed by them, I get confused, and they make me want to step into my avoidance and run away. However, because I know this I have a duty to myself to think about this instead of run form it.
To check off the overwhelmed, confused, and avoidance tactics I want to make a point with boundaries to ease some of this stuff.
I think the overwhelming part of boundaries is the steps that it takes to actually work with them. First you have to know them, then you have to believe in them, then you have to believe in yourself to know them, then you have to say them, and then you have to uphold them. That is a lot of mental work, but when you write it out I think it makes it less overwhelming and confusing and helps to make it less prone to avoid and more of a checklist to cross off.
I think like anyone else, there is some hesitation with boundaries and in relatability and connection we can see we aren’t alone. Loneliness is something that only works if its quiet, and understanding a lot of people feel this way about boundaries can hopefully give some ease to start practicing despite the uncomfortable feelings.
I Fear That It’s Not Going To Work
I noticed when putting together my list of my struggles with boundaries, a lot of them deal with the root of fear. For this one, I fear that the boundaries I need will not work. I fear that by me speaking my needs I will have no one around, and even though I know logically this is unlikely
When I give put my fear of my boundaries not working into words, I rarely can come up with a logical reason I feel like it won’t work. It’s more of a way for me to stall taking care of myself, because my deeper fear is standing up for myself. That’s another thing this point has taught me, usually what we are afraid of at the surface has something underneath it that we can make more sense of.
My fear of believing my boundaries won’t work are the cover up for fearing the courage to speak up for myself. Which I’m sure could go even deeper, but this is a struggle of mine.
I Feel Like Other People Know Better Than I Do
This one I makes me feel shameful and I audibly said “yikes” when I types it, but it’s the truth. I lived outside of my own thoughts and beliefs about who I am and what I like that there was no filter to weed out what was me and what was not.
As a result, my natural way of thinking is to assume other people know me better than I do. I have to focus and redirect that way of thinking into questioning if I agree with what’s been suggested. When it comes to boundaries that’s the scary part is they’re made by me for me, and that makes me feel like someone else should be involved.
Logically I know that I know what is best for myself, but I do find myself questioning that when I have something come up that I want to say. Sometimes things we may feel should be normal, are something we have to practice. This is one of those things for me, I have to practice reminding myself that only I know what is best for me and to practice believing it too.
I Have Trouble Putting What I Need Into Words
I can think myself into oblivion, but when it comes to using my words I tend to freeze up. Because I have to work to remember to put my own thoughts first and let myself be the filter, I think the communication part gets me because when you say things out loud there are usually responses to what you say.(duh).
While this may be obvious I think I get nervous about defending a response, not having an answer to a question, or blanking and having trouble expanding on the whys of what I am asking for or explaining.
This forward thinking approach has kept me quiet from entering conversations, and expressing my own self out of fear of being perceived in a negative way. I know this about myself, and I try to say things scared but I think I lean on the crutch of being quiet or not opinionated when really it’s more about being perceived at all. With this in mind, I try to work on my own self perception so that being perceived doesn’t feel so heavy.
I Feel Like Some Of My Boundaries Don’t Matter
This idea of my trouble with boundaries really comes down to my self worth that I delicately grapple with. I find myself letting my thoughts go into autopilot and sometimes my tendencies to doubt myself come into play here when I’m thinking of things that might be important to me.
If it’s kept inside my head it can’t be denied, so I play pretend like it just doesn’t matter. This is wrong of me to do to myself, and I do my best to catch this thought cycle I can go on. My opinions and my words do matter, and what is important to me is important to say, just gotta remind myself of that sometimes.
Pretending like something doesn’t matter or telling yourself that what you’re asking for doesn’t matter, doesn’t create any changes or help yourself at all. It may be easier or less confrontational to believe this, but when it comes to helping yourself and supporting yourself it is making it more difficult in the end.
I Have Trouble Maintaining The Boundaries I Put In Place
This one is probably the toughest for me. When I get to the place of courage to speak up about something important to me, maintaining what I’ve put into place is so difficult for me because it’s ultimately starting the whole process over again. But like anything, the people you have around you will only treat you as good or bad as you allow and the maintenance part is what holds this idea in place. If something matters to you, reiterate it as much as you have to reiterate to yourself that what you’re saying thinking and feeling is important until it sticks. I’m working on the sticking part, but awareness is a win too.
When you elaborate on your fears, I think there is usually more going on than what your initial fears are. When you question your fears and your doubts about things that help you, I think that’s when you usually can get to the point that makes sense and work on doing what helps you even if it’s scary. Just because something feels scary doesn’t make it wrong, it just makes it new.
